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on July 26, 2012

Another sunny day in London town and it is Olympics mad here…People seem to be really getting into the spirit of it. The sun has also made a welcomed return and it really does make such a huge difference to everyone’s outlook – people actually say hello and smile!

I love the heat – it can’t really be hot enough for me. I am pretty sure that is mainly due to the fact that I have spent the best part of my life being freezing due to my low weight.  As my family and friends know only too well, I always have a ridiculous amount of layers on when they are barely in T.shirts!

It was such a nice evening last night, so I got off the bus a few stops later so I could walk down the high street – the new area I have moved to is so refreshing from where I used to be, with lots of nice cafes, restaurants and flower shops. As I walked home, I felt sad – I saw so many people sitting outside on the pavements eating and enjoying yummy food – sharing and chatting amongst each other. I would of loved to of sat outside in the sunshine enjoying some nice food with friends – but my head said go home and eat what you had planned, what you can control, and measure – how miserable is that?!

This is the reality that people are unaware of – the everyday pleasures that are denied to someone with an eating disorder. I kid myself that it’s cheaper to eat at home, I should use up what I have etc, but it’s all just cheap avoidance tactics. I don’t even know what I am actually scared of anymore – all I know is that the feelings and thoughts I would be left with if I took a risk and ate out of my comfort zone, would torture me for hours, so I continue to indulge in my anorexic behaviours.

Since embarking on this new chapter in my recovery, I have decided to be more open and honest about what I am doing with my friends and family. I have also become more and more passionate about the total lack of help for people suffering with an eating disorder. How can it be right that people have to live with this cruel illness, and unless you need a tube down your nose – you are looked upon as not being ill enough. Over the last few weeks I decided to contact a couple of media outlets to see if they would be interested in doing a feature with me, in the hope that I could get some coverage and raise some concern and awareness. I have had some encouraging responses and have been invited to do a piece with Jeremy Vine, BBC Radio Two on Monday 6th of August. Once I know the exact time, I will let you all know in case you would like to have a listen in. I am quite frightened about starting this whole process of making my illness public, but I feel that if there was a right time to do it, then it is now. Not many people talk about it for the same reasons that I have kept it secret – having felt ashamed and embarrassed for so long. I don’t even like the word anorexic, but as my lovely boss at work pointed out to me today – I need to say it and accept it, in order to help me move on.


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