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Gratitude and Butterflies

on July 27, 2012

Gratitude and butterflies…

I wanted to write another post last night – but thought that two in one day was perhaps a bit too much! I had a lovely day at work yesterday and left with an overwhelming sense of gratitude from the people I work with and my amazingly supportive boss, who I feel very lucky to have. I really enjoy going to work, as it gives me a sense of achievement and a distraction from my crazy head – I can’t understand people who don’t want to work!

I had a wonderful morning at the stables today – I always have a lovely time there, but it was extra nice today with the sun shining so brightly and the warm breeze. I was lucky enough to get an extra day with my special boy Ace, who rode like a dream. He is so cute and adores cuddles – I am totally in love with him. I also had a lovely hack on Millie through the fields and gave her a nice bath to cool off after our ride. I always feel such peace when I am around the horses, they give so much and my life is constantly enriched by them.

I opened my emails this morning and received one from the clinic to say that they may have an opening for me soon. My heart sank and my stomach filled with butterflies. The reality of actually going hit me. I am so nervous about going to treatment, and I can only imagine that it will be a bit like learning what it’s actually like to be me, but without my anorexia. What will it be like to let it go, will even be able to, and how will I feel with curves?! Will I even like myself and how will I cope being so far from home and what if the other patients aren’t friendly – will anyone give me a hug?! Yikes I have so many thoughts swimming around in my head, if I think about them too much I might talk myself out of going! Instead I will turn my healthy head on and think of it as a wonderful opportunity to get my life back. In a way I’m excited, I hope I can learn to be comfortable and at ease with the body and mind I have been given, and in turn appreciate this beautiful world that I currently am too scared to fully embrace. I fear that the hardest bit of this journey will be to come home and adjust to being independent after being in such an intense environment. I hope though that by telling people about what I am doing then it will help me to settle back a little easier. I guess nothing ever worth fighting for was a walk in the park.

Having the amount of support that I have been so lucky to receive, has been totally amazing and I truly feel blessed to have such wonderful people around me.

The special boy – Ace x



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