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S.C.A.R.E.D but E.X.C.I.T.E.D

on August 9, 2012

It’s countdown now… I will be on that plane in 48 hours, hoping to discover a new life and healthier way of living. Today has been pretty hectic, and much to my mum’s disgrace, I have left a lot of my organising to the last minute. I have been trying to work out what to take with me clothes wise. I find it hard to pack for a weekend, let alone three or four months! I have been advised by the clinic to bring only loose-fitting clothes and no tight jeans. I will no doubt be gaining a few more curves here and there, but with most of my wardrobe revolving around skinny jeans, I’ve had to give my ‘recovery wardrobe’ a serious rethink. I planned on ‘popping’ into town to buy a few comfy bits, but ended up spending 5 hrs stressing about what to buy. It’s quite difficult for me to imagine what, and how I will feel when I have a body that represents my actual age. For so many years, my shape has largely resembled a 12 year old and I have become quite accustomed to it.

I felt like I was in a zone of my own as I ran around Oxford Street. It was hot, and as soon as the sun makes an appearance in this country, so does a whole lot of flesh. I found myself looking at girls with envy. There are so many clothes I would love to wear, but I’m too self-conscious and know that most of them would look hideous on me. Today was the first time for a while that I was aware of a few stares. A group of girls in Topshop, looked me up and down and I can only assume that they were wondering if I had an eating disorder. This is one of the misconceptions surrounding anorexia. Everyone assumes that an anorexic sees themselves as fat. This has not always been my experience. There are days when I can catch myself and think I look pretty whale-like, but other days I can look at myself and see only a frail shadow staring back. Either way I am not happy with how I look, and that is anorexia for you – whatever weight you are, whatever you look like, you will never be good enough.

Today has been one of those days where I am reminded just why I am going on Saturday. My anorexia can fool me into believing that I am not ill enough or am managing OK, but this last week has felt like an Olympic sized marathon. My food has deteriorated as rapidly as my energy levels have. The terrorist has been in full swing, doing all it can to destroy my vigour. Quite frankly, I am sick of eating boring, unpalatable meals when all I see around me are people enjoying and sharing food with one another. As much as I am sacred about filling the numerous pairs of sweat pants that I purchased today, I am also looking forward to accepting my body as it was meant to be and learning to enjoy food.

I spoke to a very brave and courageous girl today called Sophie. She too is fighting the terrorist and in her short life, has already had to endure more pain and heartache than some of us face in a lifetime. The Pebble Garden raises money by selling hand painted pebbles, each decorated with a single idea about happiness. Every penny that The Pebble Garden takes is donated to Winston’s Wish in memory of her twin sister, Louise, who died in a car accident shortly before her sixth birthday. Sophie has kindly sent my mum and I a pebble, and I will be taking mine with me to California as a reminder of Sophie and the wonderful work she is doing.

You can read all about Sophie by searching for The Pebble Garden on facebook or via the following link

Tomorrow is my last day at the stables – a place that is very special to me. I feel at peace as soon as I drive through the white gates and smell the horsey air. I am incredibly fortunate to have such wonderful people there who have shown me a lot of love in these recent weeks. I hope they all know how much I appreciate their support. There have been times over the last few months when I have had to heave myself into the saddle because I have been too exhausted. This has made me angry – very angry! My anorexia robs me off my greatest passion, so I am looking forward to returning a much stronger, and healthier person. If I cared for myself as well as I cared for my four-legged friends then perhaps I could of given Zara Phillips a gallop for her money!


8 responses to “S.C.A.R.E.D but E.X.C.I.T.E.D

  1. Liz and Mike Amos says:

    Dear Laura,
    Liz and I will be thinking of you as you leave for the US. You are making a brave and courageous trip but we are sure it will be worth it.
    Looking forward to your next blog,
    Liz and Mike

  2. Kate says:

    Laura, I wish you all the very best and will look forward to seeing the new You in 3-4 months time. You Can Do It !

  3. Sandra White says:

    Dear Laura,
    I too wish you well on your journey. You are an inspiring, brave and positive person who I am sure will make the most of what lies ahead for you.
    I too eagerly await your next blog.
    Love and hugs
    Sandra xx

  4. Muriel says:

    You will not be forgotten whilst you are away. So much love will be with you. Your amazing courage will get you through and we all look forward to seeing the real Laura return. The Laura I first met many years ago. Take care. Much love Muriel

  5. sue lloyd says:

    I’m sure you’re going to overcome this Laura – you’ve got lots of guts and you obviously really do want to win your battle – wishing you all the best and look forward to seeing you in a few weeks xxx

  6. Sophie Thomas says:

    Best wishes for whilst you are away, just remember that there are so many thoughts and hugs going with you. You will get through, you have done so many courageous and inspiring things. I really hope that I can meet a Laura who is free to be herself when you get back. Sending you lots of love xxxx

  7. Spooks1979 says:

    Good luck Laura, this is the hardest battle you will ever have to face. Life when you get home will feel so much freer and easier.
    Keep up the blog, there’s lots of support out there when you look in the right places!

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