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This is it.

on August 11, 2012

“I don’t want to die, but I’m not keen on living either” – This is a line from a Robbie Williams track called ‘Feel’. I know it may sound cheesy and also a little sad, but this is how I have felt so many times in the last 12 years. I have never wanted to die, but yet at times I have wondered if I could face another minute of battle. Even on the days when I have had a panic attack, or gone to bed starving or felt faint, it hasn’t always been enough to make me go downstairs and get something to eat, even a biscuit. This is the reality of my anorexia and the paralysing hold it can have on me.

As I sit here right now, I can’t seem to stop the tears, but that is probably because I am less than an hour from getting in the car to go to the airport. I have been up since 6am, and am still in my dressing gown. The longer I leave it to get dressed, the longer I can avoid the reality of saying goodbye to my mum, who I love more than she will ever know. She has been a constant source of strength over my entire life, loving me unconditionally at all times. She has faced many a tough time herself over the years, but has now, I hope found some happiness with a wonderful man. She deserves nothing less, and I know my wonderful step-dad, Michael would be proud of her.

All that remains is for me to get well, so that she no longer has to carry the pain and frustration of watching her daughter self-destruct. This morning I asked her to put some moisturiser on my back and I knew what she was thinking… and feeling. I said that hopefully when I return, she will no longer be able to feel every rib and vertebrae. Yet what I am most looking forward to is learning to live inside my head, where I don’t want to die, but am also MORE than keen on living.

I’m feeling the pressure to come back ‘cured’. I cannot promise this… I have promised many a time, to get well. The amount of times I have said “I really mean it this time”, but I have never managed to sustain the determination – the terrorist creeps back in, so subtly, that before I even realise it, I am back to square one. This time, though I hope that it will be different, I want to be well more than anything. I want to be free of the chains that keep me locked in this prison. With so much love and support behind me, I am beginning to believe I can do it.

Anorexia is a cruel illness, that serves no purpose in the long-term. Life is full of ups and downs and that is actually what makes life more interesting. Without the downs, it would be harder to appreciate the ups. I hope I will learn to live life on life’s terms, without trying to manipulate the outcome.

So I am off… off on my journey to sunnier shores. I will be taking all of you, that have supported me these few weeks, months and years with me in my thoughts. I will dig deep and give it my best shot, with such an army behind me, the terrorist hasn’t got a chance!

One last thing… my hotmail is not available at the moment, so please contact me on this one for now.


One response to “This is it.

  1. Muriel says:

    By now you will be on your journey to discover ‘Laura’ you really are a very special person so much courage. All we all want is for you to come home with peace of mind. X

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