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Keep calm and munch on.

on September 5, 2012
I have been in a bit of a black hole the last few days. In therapy language, not a ‘good space’. The lingo is unavoidably contagious. I want to write something inspiring or hopeful, but I haven’t been feeling very inspired of late. Right now I am in the deep end treading water. The only thing keeping me afloat is my family and the wonderful, kind people supporting me back home. I’m not sure what is going on, my anxiety around the food has increased as has my insecurity around people. I feel embarrassed and ashamed, and have isolated myself more. I met with the dietician this morning and had a long chat. The terrorist was rampant and some of my dialogue she refused to engage in, especially when I started to pinch my hips. I feel like a beached whale right now. I never anticipated body image would be a major problem for me, but these last few days I have been too frightened to look in the mirror. I don’t want to acknowledge that parts of me will inevitably grow in places I can’t control. It’s not my business where my body decides to fill out, and that makes me very uncomfortable.
Our Sunday outing did provide some welcomed relief. We went to the annual ‘Chilli Festival’. I would be lying if I said we all sampled one of the many chilli varieties that whiffed under our noses, but I did try a piece of ‘Funnel cake’. It’s traditional American fairground fodder. A fried doughy mixture that is dusted with white sugar powder. I can’t say that I scoffed a big chunk, but a bite did pass my lips. The highlight though was riding the Ferris wheel with Katie. Sitting at the top, over-looking the ocean, I wondered why I push myself out of my comfort zone in so many areas, but with food, the fear can be paralysing. This illness is not logical. It was refreshing to get out and integrate with the ‘real world’. You can become quite institutionalised at times. It’s sad when the Friday night trip to the pharmacy becomes your weekly treat. As I sat down to dinner last night, I remembered how I felt on top of the wheel – that helped me to ‘Keep Calm and Munch On!’
I received a humungous box of love today from my ‘One in Zillion’ sister. I asked for a pair of socks, pants and notebook, but what arrived was totally overwhelming. Books, notebooks, a photo album, a hand-painted picture from my nephew, a special stone from one of her friends, all with a billion post-it notes attached, explaining who they were from and what they meant. Thank you doesn’t even come close. My sister is a gift that not everyone is so blessed to be given. I couldn’t look through it all properly as I got too teary-eyed, but, Lizzie – I hope you know just how much it meant to me. I will look at it all again when I can contain my blubbering! As I previously mentioned, my sister took it upon herself to upload a hideous picture of me onto a fund-raising page. It still feels uncomfortable, but I am attaching the link to it below. It’s been temporarily down, but hopefully should be up and running again now, if not soon. PLEASE do not feel obliged in anyway to donate – I mean that, but she has insisted I attach it to my blog for those of you who would like to.
Finally, we have had a computer ban imposed on us. Three days without cyber-space. By Thursday I’ll be having withdrawal symptoms. I understand that the idea is for us to focus on being here, rather than on planet ‘google’. As if we didn’t have enough to deal with – withdrawal – here goes!

4 responses to “Keep calm and munch on.

  1. Muriel says:

    Just a blip Laura. Tomorrow is another day everyone is still 100% behind you. X

  2. Angharad says:

    Definitely just a blip. We all have good days and bad days, and I know it’s tough, but if you just go with the flow, you’ll get there in the end! Don’t let anorexia get to you. You sound like such a lovely person, and I’ve seen your photo on the link – you are so pretty and not hideous at all – that’s just the anorexia trying to get you down. I know it’s hard, but try not to listen to it! It’s a monster, a terrifying monster. I think you are so strong and it sounds like you’ve moved forward so far! You’re inspiring! Keep fighting. Life is worth it! X

  3. linda marchant says:

    Hi Laura, as Muriel says its a blip. Even the most positive person has days when they feel low – and thats just normal everyday life, not the sort of thing you’re going through. So dont beat yourself up about it because you’re doing great! Sometimes you just do two steps forward and one back before you move on again. Hope you manage the three computer free days – a challenge for anyone these days!!! Thinking of you. xxx

  4. Clare Shakespeare says:

    Flick, you may be feeling out of your depth at the moment but try and stay there treading water without running to dry land. The fear will ebb and you will see the horizon. It will get easier. You have to believe that. I believe that and I believe in you. xx

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