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Please Sir, I want some more…

on September 14, 2012
I usually dread 13:30 on Friday afternoon’s. Meditation group has become somewhat an irritant to me. It’s a bit like waiting and watching a kettle to boil – it takes forever. I have been unable to drift into the dreamy sleep, that the highly annoying person on the Meditation CD drums on about. Instead I lie there for 45 minutes anticipating the moment when they say “And you are now back in the room, keep this floaty feeling with you for the next seven days.” Whatever! My mind has done a thousand jobs and been to a billion places in that time. However this afternoon’s class was surprisingly pleasing.
We were asked to think of a situation or eating disorder behavior we would like to do differently in recovery. I could of chosen from an endless list, but the one that screamed out to me was my avoidance of social eating. Food is frequently said to be one of life’s greatest pleasures. To quote the prominent American food writer Mary Frances Kennedy Fisher… “Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly.”  For me though it has become one of my greatest fears. We were asked to journal about how we would like our difficulty to be different in recovery. Below is what I wrote…
Pre dinner…
I have been invited over for a girly dinner and catch-up. I’m really excited to see everyone and I’m looking forward to some yummy food. It will be nice to be cooked for and fun to have a surprise. It’s not really about the food though – it’s the sharing and seeing everyone that is the most important part. I haven’t felt the need to think of a of lame excuse to say I have already eaten – when really I hadn’t or had given myself a ‘punishment’ meal beforehand. I haven’t restricted or over-exercised today in anticipation for my dinner. I’m just cool with whatever I am served, and am grateful for sharing it with such nice people. 
Post dinner…
I had such a nice evening. We laughed and chatted for hours, and it was super nice to feel part of the experience for once. I was present and was able to engage in the conversation and not stress about what was on my plate. I enjoyed what we ate and I don’t feel guilty about saying that either. I allowed myself to talk and be a part of it. I can carry on my day as normal tomorrow without punishing myself for what I ate tonight. I will send an email out inviting everyone over to mine next week, so I can cook for them. 
We closed our eyes for 2 minutes and visualised what we had written. Miraculously my head did not re-route itself down the usual path of ‘terrorism chitchat’. Instead I imagined all of the above and loved it. As my eyes opened I felt warm, tingly and had a beaming smile on my face. I thought this could actually be a reality not just a dream. The American author, Napolean Hill who is widely considered to be one of the great writers on success is famous for saying, “Whatever you can conceive and believe, you can achieve.” The mind is a powerful tool. My own has been divided most my life, with the unhealthy part taking precedence. The concept of visualisation is new to me, but one that I will strive to practice each day from now on. Perhaps one day I will not only be able to enjoy the food, but go as far to say…“Please can I have some more”! 
“Life does not give us the power to imagine something without also giving us the power to make it true.  However, this also does not mean your desires come without lessons to learn, obstacles to overcome or hardships to endure.  You must be willing to pay the price to make your dreams come true. Visualization of your goals is a vital step in bringing them into reality.”



5 responses to “Please Sir, I want some more…

  1. Muriel says:

    You have reached a special point in your treatment. You can imagine and you can have laura. Keep that lovely feeling with you.i look forward to reading your next achievement. Love x

  2. Nat says:

    Hey flick, I loved reading your post today. You are so insightful! What you visualised is such a ‘normal’ thing for many people around the world. Sharing food with people you love. Don’t let the terrorist tell you it any other way! We are blessed to live in parts of the world where we can easily access and enjoy all sorts of wonderful and different types of foods, a lot of people do not have this luxury. We are lucky that dining with others is often a by product of love and friendship as you said, rather that about the food itself. Keep fighting it… You are so strong xxx

  3. Sandra White says:

    Dear Laura, welcome to the world of visualisation! The longer you meditate daily, the world will change for the better for you. Have you heard of David Hamilton? He has written some super books on how thoughts become things – well worth a read. We are our thoughts, and the more we think positive thoughts, the more we can change our world for the better. This is just what you are doing! Keep up the good work – you are doing brilliantly! Love and huge hugs. Sandra xx

  4. lizorford says:

    Hooray! I’m so glad you’ve discovered visualisation – it’s awesome. You can be and do anything you want to do/be if you can visualise it. Whatever you can see in your minds eye can be yours. Practice – try visualising us galloping across the beach or the downs – we feel that brilliant freedom and the terrorist is nowhere to be seen – it’s gone and you’re not letting it back in. We get back happy but exhausted! We put the horses to bed and we head to the pub! A lovely english pub and we order some yummy food (you know I’ll order lasagna!) and a glass of vino each – we then chill out and spend the evening chatting and giggling! That’s what waits for us – if we both imagine it, it’ll be possible.

    I love you sis xxxx

  5. katrina says:

    Hey laura, I’m enjoying reading your posts. It feels so intimate, it’s a pleasure to be able to share your thoughts and feelings. Hope you are in a good place. Newsroom is missing you lots… take care honey lots of love. Katrina xxxx .

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