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Thank you and Goodbye.

on September 17, 2012
Today’s group assignment was to write a ‘Thank you’ and a ‘Goodbye’ letter to my eating disorder. We had a few minutes for each. This is what came to mind for me this morning.
 
Dear Eating Disorder…
 
We know each other so well. Best friends and worst enemies. Love you, hate you. Don’t want to live with you, Don’t want to live without you. You have gotten me through some tough times for sure, and I applaud you for doing such a great Band-Aid job. Your sticking power is immense. Without you my wounds would be oozing from all sorts of crevices. In my darkest moments you have shown me the light, sheltered me from the storm and protected me from fear and rejection. You have remained my constant source of strength – never failing to show up. As loyal a dog. You erase my feelings of self-loathing and guilt. You are always waiting for me at the finish line, hankie in hand, ready to wipe my tears. I have never won gold, but I have learnt to accept the bronze and to wear it with pride. Thank you for giving me a voice, a voice that screams for love, attention, affirmation and affection. Without you I would be lost in a murky underworld of guilt and punishment. You have made me feel strong, superior and powerful in a Peter-Pan world of pity. Most of all though I want to thank you for bringing me here – to a place where your voice is not tolerated, not listened to and is not wanted. Eating Disorder what will I do without you?
 
Goodbye Eating Disorder…
 
Twelve years is a long time in anyones life, but twelve years with you has felt like an eternity. I have been held in solitary confinement, following rule after rule after rule, too terrified to break-free. Our relationship is doomed though, we are no longer on the same page. I have moved on. I feel strangled and smothered – your poison is sucking the life from me. I wish I had had this awakening many moons ago, but there is little point in dwelling on the ‘what if’s’ and ‘has been’s’. You have robbed me, my family and my friends of my soul and sense of spirit. You have stolen time and memories from me and I no longer need or want your abusive chants engulfing my space. I feel like I can’t breathe. You plucked me from my childhood and kept me there. Holding me in your tight grip, too afraid to fully grow-up, you transformed me into a sad and lonely being. You nearly cost me my family, my friends, my job, my passion for horses and very nearly my life – more than once. Your time is up. Our relationship has to end. I am sick and tired of adhering to your regime. I may grieve for you, but be aware that my tears will be filled with relief. Relief that I will no longer be under your spell. You are on your own. Goodbye.
 
It was a humbling process, and whilst I scribbled ferociously, I am not entirely sure I believe it all just yet. It was suggested I read the Goodbye letter each day, hopefully over time it will seep into my sub-concious. James Allen was a British philosophical writer and I particularly like the quote below. If I remain true to myself, and not my eating disorder then I believe my world will begin.
 
“Cherish your vision, cherish your ideals, cherish the music that stirs in your heart. The beauty that forms in your mind. The loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts. If you remain true to them, your world will at last be built.” James Allen.
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6 responses to “Thank you and Goodbye.

  1. Laura Taylor says:

    I have no idea what to write to you. So, I will just say I am so proud of your strength, your courage and your determination. Keep it going Laura – you are doing a great job. Much love from me xxxx

  2. Sandra White says:

    What a wonderful letter! Read it often and remind yourself of the good things in life, and just why you are doing all this hard work. Sending you positivity, courage, support, comfort and all the love in the world.xx

  3. Muriel says:

    You can do it Laura. That was an amazing read which comes from your heart. Your family and friends are totally behind. We all believe in you. Love x

  4. linda marchant says:

    As Muriel so rightly says your family and friends all believe in you. And, perhaps more importantly, it really sounds like you believe in yourself too! Go girl! xxxx

  5. Helen says:

    Laura,
    We met briefly at my sister Laura’s wedding last year. I’ve been following your blog and am left in tears most times that I read it. Your battle is hard your journey long but you will win this war that has been raging within you for the last 12 years. Your writing is beautiful so open and I hope inspiring for anyone who is facing their own war. Keep strong. Xx

  6. Sarah Veevers says:

    Hello Sweety, reading your blogs has been an incredible insight into what you have been dealing with. I feel inspired by your courage and determination and echo the thoughts of others here in that we dearly love and support you. I look forward to giving you a big hug when you get home. S xx

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