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Tick Tock, Tick Tock.

on September 26, 2012
This is something I NEVER thought I would need do in my life-time – write a ‘Goodbye letter’ to the clock. As crazy as it may sound the clock and I have become quite attached to one another. My co-dependency is such, that I become panicky when I don’t have a dial within view. I can’t pin-point the beginning of our  relationship, but I know that it needs to end…now. When I’m old and grey, the following will act as an amusing tale to any grand-children I am lucky enough to have.
Dear Clock,
What is it about you that compels me to look at you so many times even when I know what you will say. No sooner have you told me stop, do you tell me to start again. You order me to wait until you decide when it is ‘OK’ to pick up my fork. I have been under your spell for years now and quite frankly I am bored of it. I have become so in tune with you, that I know the time at any given moment without actually looking at you. Has anything bad ever happened to anyone because they didn’t eat on an even number? Nope I didn’t think so.
You want to keep me wrapped up in your web that’s entangled with all my other eating disorder rituals. You may think that you are just a small, insignificant part of my illness, but actually you are a pretty big, annoying and pointless irritant that I want rid of. You keep me stuck. It’s going to be difficult to break free from you, but I really do believe that it is essential in order to get well. Do I even want to get well? I may doubt this at times, but deep down I know I do because my life has become as set of rules. ‘Do this, Don’t do this. You are allowed to do this, You are not allowed to do that.’ The list is endless.
My challenge now is to disobey you. You have fooled me into believing that by following you I am safe and powerful, but your idea of safety is total isolation from others. Your idea of power is to follow your ridiculous commands. The power lies with me defying you. I need to let go of the grip. I may not win each and every time, but my power will come from doing the harder thing. The harder thing is to eat on an uneven number. The harder thing is to not eat all my greens first and wait half an hour before eating the rest of my meal. The harder thing is to fight back. As I told my eating disorder last week – Your Time Is Up.

4 responses to “Tick Tock, Tick Tock.

  1. Muriel says:

    Good for you Laura. Time has its place, but never to totally rule our lives. You continue to say NO and start to feel good. Love x

  2. ladyem83 says:

    Laura, I never realised the extent to which I allow myself to be dictated to by time and routine. Your very honest post here has encouraged me to face this truth and its effects on me.

    I’d very much like to refer to it in my blog, if you don’t mind.

    Thank you.

  3. linda marchant says:

    Fantastic Laura! And congrats on reaching level 2. I spoke to mum last night and she’s so proud of you. You are getting stronger every day. Thinking of you. xx

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