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In a “Funk”…

on September 30, 2012

“You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.”  Chinese Proverb

Sunday morning and I am in a ‘Funk’ – a grouchy antsy mood. I’m picking up the valley lingo here! The last few days have been mentally tiring – working on my healthy self dialogue is exhausting when you have another voice constantly drowning your healthy one out. My eating disorder really needs to come up with some new lines. It repeats the same old s*** over and over again, and it’s getting a tad predictable and booooorrrrinnng. Zzzzzz!

Our group topic this week focused on families and how our eating disorders sit within the family dynamics. I was asked how I was feeling about Dad coming next week. Whilst I’m excited about him coming, I am also nervous. I anticipate a few tears. I’m frightened about speaking my truth without being attached to the results. “Truth without judgement”.  Whenever I speak about my Dad and step-mum I feel both anger and sadness. Anger at how certain situations have been handled over the years and sadness that I’ve allowed them to define aspects of my being – my self-esteem and self-worth. I realise I give away much of my power to others. I’ve been a victim to other people’s behaviour, and allow other peoples actions to determine how I feel. I convince myself I’m not worthy. I was told I need to take the power back. By staying ill, I allow others to decide my happiness. By continuing with my eating disorder I’m also punishing everyone else around me who loves me just as I am. Not eating just makes a crappy situation crappier. I have tried to change things for twelve years through my eating disorder to no avail. Perhaps it’s time to try something different. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It’s hard to not listen to the stories that are on repeat in my head, but I don’t want or need to be a victim anymore. I can be my own person. A healthy person that can speak my truth and demonstrate it through my actions. I love the chinese proverb above, it reminds me of the serenity prayer. I am sure you are all aware of it, but in case you have forgotten…
“God grant me the serenity to accept, the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.
This funky mood I am in is annoying. My default is to focus on food and how much I don’t want to eat my lunch, but that’s an easy distraction from the feelings churning in my stomach. Not having my lunch may give me a short-term fix, but it won’t actually change anything. The harder thing is to be in a “funk” and still eat. I was told that it’s OK to not always be full of beans, but life goes on and I can’t always revert back to what is comfortable – not eating. So…. roll on munch-time!
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2 responses to “In a “Funk”…

  1. Muriel says:

    Laura I have known you a long time and to me you will always be the lovely caring, friendly person you were back then. Never ever doubt that you are loved for you, not because of your illness. We all have the right to be ourselves, not what others thing we should be. It is others problem if they do not like it. I look forward to the welcoming back the true Laura. Love x

  2. linda marchant says:

    Dear Laura, everything you say has so many elements to it. Your words could be applied to all sorts of people in all sorts of situations but they would still be helpfull to all because you’re being so honest. And at the end of the day honesty is so vital. You are a brave and strong woman and you will win your battle, I am sure. I am away until Sunday in Spain (near Javea funnily enough) and I will be thinking of you and sending positive, encouraging vibes across the oceans. Love Linda xx

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