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A GOOD Tuesday!

on October 3, 2012

“We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.”      Dalai Lama

The funk has lifted for now. It lasted well into yesterday evening, but a new dawn bought an end to the fog. Tuesday – my most feared day has been a GOOD day. Yep that’s right, today was a gooden! We went on our weekly lunch outing and as soon as the words ‘Italian’ were spoken, my stomach did a 360 spin. We arrived at the restaurant and my eyes glossed over the menu a billion times. The usual chatterbox popped up, commanding me to choose the lowest calorie, least carborific option – pretty hard in an Italian, where the word cheese and pasta accompanies every dish. I was told to have what I fancied. It’s so hard to know – I only know what my eating disorder wants me to have. Once I decided on a dish, the chatter crept in and I started panicking about the portion size and how much I should eat. Today though I managed to take myself out of my self-centeredness and focus on the conversation. I surrendered and trusted. We’re never forced to eat the whole thing. It’s easy to see how America has become the land of ‘super-size me.’ – each dish could feed the whole state of California! OK… slight exaggeration, but they are substantially larger than restaurant portions in the UK. We went to get Gelato for our dessert and I pushed the boundary out and opted for something other than my default vanilla flavor. It was good – that feels uncomfortable to say, but I feel it’s an important point to make. I think, I might, possibly of liked the ice-cream!
 
Another part of Tuesday’s, is the meeting with the dietician. My weight has gone up “appropriately”… I love this phrase they use. I don’t get told by how much, I just get told, it is an “appropriate” amount. It’s still scary to not know my weight and how much they think I should weigh, but I know that this also part of the surrendering process. I’m slowly but surely learning to trust and loosen the grip.

I also made an effort today to get “dressed”. I put on some make-up and peeled off my trackie bottoms. It was noted… by everyone. I hadn’t realised just how attached I had become to my sweats. The flake on top of my ice-cream was a hug from one of the therapists. I hadn’t even asked for one which made it extra special. It was a really warm hug and began with “how does it feel to look like a human being?” I said “It felt good.” The hug made my day. I’m so blessed to be here – this place is definitely special. There have been times when I felt that their decisions were off track, but when I see someone leave here restored to sanity, it’s evidence that they know best. The unique part about this program are the recovered staff. They are walking examples of hope.

The dynamics are changing again. Three people are leaving and so tomorrow we have two new patients arriving. I’m nervous. More changes in the group. I am going to do my best to reach out to them as I was today. Sometimes a hug can mean so much more than words.

“A real hug. The type that lets you feel someone’s heartbeat. The kind that tells the other person you’d hold them up if they needed it. The kind that says we’re not so different and I have faith in you. The beauty is when you give that to someone else you generally get it in return.”

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6 responses to “A GOOD Tuesday!

  1. Muriel says:

    Well done Laura. I am proud of you. I know nan and Michael would be so pleased to know you are beginning to win a battle. I am sure you will be an inspiration to your new patients as others have been for you. A big hug from me. Love Muriel x

  2. Amy says:

    Keep going Laura, soon the good days will outweigh the bad! Will send you some more piccies of Mill after this weekend – her first little mini competition off the yard…

  3. Amy says:

    Oops, poor choice of words there. Pun not intended, I should have said good days will outNUMBER the bad!!

  4. A says:

    I don’t even know you, but it makes me so happy and proud to hear how well you are doing! It sounds like you are becoming stronger and stronger in your fight against your ED. Change is bound to make anyone nervous, however, change is the only constant in life, paradoxically. I’m sure it will only serve to make you stronger again! ‘Bend with the wind to survive the storm’ is a quote I like about dealing with change. Sending you a hug! X

  5. Jane says:

    WOW Laura, I’m beaming away for you here!! Sending you a big real hug from us all, with much love xxxx

  6. lola0224 says:

    Such a lovely, positive and uplifting read. I’m so pleased to hear you are embracing these changes and making a recovery, long may it continue.

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