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“One Day We Will Look Back At All This and Laugh”

on October 10, 2012

Five hours of therapy later, and my dad has been and gone. The last few days have been intense but I feel a lighter disposition surrounding me. I had no idea what I was hoping, expecting or anticipating to evolve from his visit. When I heard his voice for the first time on Thursday, I welled up and flung my arms around him. I was 7 years old again – the inner child he left all those years ago. Each session bought tears, anger, frustration and resentment. But with each I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders – the heavy load a little less each time.

My dad is treating my time here in the only way he knows how – like a business project. He entered each session with a notebook and pen, ready to document every minutiae. Despite his endeavor to treat my eating disorder like a disgraced employee, I applaud his dedication to absorb as much as possible. His thesis should make for an interesting read!

I was able to speak my truth to my dad and not be attached to the results. In essence I practiced “truth without judgement”. There are somethings in life I can change and there are some I can’t, and as the ‘Serenity Prayer’ says – I need to ask for the wisdom to know the difference. What helped me to move on a little and let go, was his offer of an apology. He validation that over the years some of his actions have caused me hurt and could of been handled differently. This meant a lot to me. I also appreciated his honesty in the fact that my eating disorder has largely been a right royal pain in the backside. It was hard to hear, but without a doubt is true. Being around an eating disorder frankly sucks. I am beginning to realise that without it I will get the validation and attention I need and want. I do not need to manipulate it by acting out in my eating disorder.

I also realised and am perhaps slowly accepting, that I can’t change the fact that my wonderful stepdad died. What I can do is honor Michael by enjoying my dad who is here right now. We had a lovely morning on Sunday. We drove up the coast and found a spot on the beach to sit and watch the ocean. My dad is the man who knows something about everything – it’s one of the qualities I love the most about him. I never fail to learn some random nugget of information, so it was nice to just sit and chit-chat about nothing in particular. My work for the coming months is to let go, even if others around me don’t or won’t. Someone here told me that in the end all that matters is if I am loving and kind, and that if I am able to do this, I will have a happier life. As sad as I was to say goodbye to my dad, I felt a sense of inner peace that I had not felt for a long time. I feel more motivated to get the ‘job done’ and an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my dad – I love him so very much. Whilst my family dynamic may not be the one I’d of chosen, I do have a wonderful mum, dad, sister and brother and that is a lot more than some.

Just before Dad left he presented me with a gift . A picture frame with words inside that read… “One day we will look back at all this and laugh”. Typical of my dad – the glass is always half full! It has prized possession on my bedside table.

“Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing there’s a future.” Daphne Rose Kingma

6 responses to ““One Day We Will Look Back At All This and Laugh”

  1. Stuart orford says:

    Hi hon, glad you enjoyed your dads business visit ha ha!!
    Going by the comments each day seems to be a little better for you, I know it’s a big challenge and you have to be over there, but I do miss your lovely smile and hugs!!
    Love you heaps and keep up the good work as your dad would say!!!!

  2. Muriel says:

    Glad to hear how more positive you sound. I am sure it was as hard for your dad as it was for you Laura. In life we can always look back and think maybe I could have done things differently. That is how we learn about life. Hard as it can be. Today is the rest of your life Laura time to enjoy all your years to come. I know you as a loving and caring person, one I am proud to know. X

  3. nat says:

    Im sure it was hard for him too. Becoming a parent doesn’t (unfortunately) make you perfect and we all make mistakes that affect others- he has his own life to live, as well as being a father, husband and friend. I believe that choosing how you let those mistakes affect you is the key to happiness.

  4. Jane says:

    Fantastic stuff Laura, you do seem to be moving forward with leaps and bounds. Lovely to read. xxxx

  5. A says:

    I really enjoy reading your posts. You write so well and it is so good to hear that you are slowly beginning to find the peace you deserve. X

  6. linda marchant says:

    Well how fantastic is that! You’re beginning to sound like the Laura I’ve never met – but I’m certainly looking forward to meeting her soon! Your progress is astonishing – well done you! And I love the words on your Dad’s present – perfect. Onwards and upwards!
    L xxx

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