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French Silk

on October 15, 2012
I don’t like to write too much about the food. It is what it is, but today it’s occupied my every thought. It’s been a day where I have had to dig deep. I’m sitting here now with a belly full of ice-cream, or gelato as they call it this side of the pond. The flavor I’d chosen earlier had been gobbled up, so I had to opt for another. My head wanted the ‘safe’ vanilla, but my heart told me not to be so boring and push the boat out. Safety is not the name of the game here, so ‘French Silk’ it was. A chocolatey, gooey flavor with humungous hunks of chocolate chips swirled in. It wasn’t just the flavor that freaked me out… the amount I had blew my brains. I can’t remember the last time I allowed myself to indulge in something that seemed so devilishly naughty. I felt a sense of disgust and greed wash over me with each mouthful. Who knew that an ice-cream flavor could cause me SO much grief!
The day started off on a bad foot when a staff member made me change my breakfast to something more ‘challenging’. This unplanned attack enraged my eating disorder. It wasn’t prepared for change, and the fireworks continued when my shorts were so tight that the buttons almost popped off. The reality of gaining weight hasn’t left me for a minute today. I feel as though I am mourning the loss of my old body. Reminiscing about the days where I didn’t feel like a bloated whale – craving just one day off from recovery. It’s a full-time job and the hours of work I am putting in are exhausting. What has kept me munching on today, are the wonderful people back home supporting my journey. Without you all I’m not sure I’d still be here.
It’s funny – an eating disorder is not about the food, but at the same time ALL about the food. The food is just the chosen drug I use to cope with everything else around me, but somehow it becomes the entire focus – etched in my skin. I used to think that I needed to know why I do what I do in order to get well, but I have learnt that I need to just get on and ‘do the food’ in order to find out why I do what I do. Confused? So am I, so I shall promptly sign off with a quote that my sister once sent me. I feel it’s appropriate today after having a cookie with my lunch. The above sounds all so superficial in the grand scheme of world peace, so lets hope the new dawn will bring me a reality check and some fresh eyes to see the light once more.
“Sometimes me think what is a friend? And then me think… friend is to share the last cookie with”. Cookie Monster!

3 responses to “French Silk

  1. Sarah says:

    My sister in law gave me the link to your posts and having listened to you on the Jeremy Vine show before you went away gave me hope that some day I will overcome my eating disorder because you spoke so positively and put feelings I have into words that I have never found able to do. I can totally relate to your comment about an eating disorder not being about the food but at the same time ALL about the food. After so long with it I feel it has become my way of life and sometimes I just cannot see it EVER going away no matter how much I want it to. Will keep following your progress and wish you all the very best on your road to recovery.

  2. A says:

    I know you’ve said it all sounds so superficial, but I understand how it really is not superficial at all. The anxieties and fears are all so frighteningly real, so you should be incredibly immensely proud of yourself for achieving to eat ‘French Silk’ (never heard of this before, I’m really interested in anything ‘foody!), for challenging your food choices at breakfast and for eating a cookie at lunch!

    I also mourn for my old body. However, your worth is not based on your body shape or size. You are beautiful inside and out, and the more you feed your brain, the more nourished you will be, and the more you will be able to then push away your eating disorder and the more you will be able to work towards finding all the answers you are seeking in your recovery.

    For now, keep fighting! You’re showing such courage and bravery! XX

  3. Lola says:

    Laura, you are so inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles as you work to recover from your eating disorder. Your honesty and integrity in your blog posts help me to be more honest with myself and others around me. I think mourning your previous body and, indeed, the eating disorder itself is an important part of the process. I know you only through your blog but I think of you often and send you the warmest wishes. Hang on in there, you are doing so well xxx

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