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Sparkie is working 9 till 5.

on October 24, 2012
The weeks seem to fly by here and I am pleased to report this past one, has been a gooden. One of the best since I arrived. I’ve been thinking about what to write tonight, and at first was a little lost for words. My eating disorder is so comfortable wallowing in it’s pit of doom and gloom, it doesn’t know what to do when the sun shines.
Each week I sign a contract between myself and the staff, that sets out my goals and intentions for the week ahead. After my mini-meltdown last Monday when I was told that I hadn’t earned the privilege of having my therapy session with the horses, I realised I needed to step it up again. I have taken my contract this week VERY seriously. I wasn’t going to allow my eating disorder get in the way of me seeing Bodhi and Oria. My long list of commitments seemed to me to be a little OTT when I was first handed them, but looking back I can see just how much they have benefitted me in ways I hadn’t anticipated. I want to thank the team for getting tough with me.
The major sticking point was getting ‘dressed’. I had been treating this as more of a suggestion. When you are gaining weight the last thing one wants to do is to wear tight fitting clothes that emphasise body change. This week, however, I got the jeans out and strutted my new curves in them several times. It hasn’t just been the jeans that has helped lift my mood, but getting ready for the day ahead. Treating recovery as my full-time job between the hours of 9-5pm has worked wonders. There are several reasons why getting out of my sweat pants has helped. I feel more of an adult woman as opposed to a sickly child that I encompass when I’m in my eating disorder. I have bought the adult to the table, and it has helped me feel more comfortable around meals. Also by wearing clothes that fit me instead of hang off me, I can practice getting used to how they feel in a safe environment – It won’t be a sudden shock when I leave here.
Another commitment that made a difference is the alter-ego I’ve been given…. Sparkie the Comedy Clown! I will explain. Each Thursday we have Body and Soul group – it’s possibly my favorite time of the week. We get all cosy around a candle lit room and focus on a topic that helps to nurture and heal our inner selfs. At the end of each group we pick an angel card, read it out and then keep it close until the following week. For two consecutive weeks I received ’The Angel of Enthusiasm’. At first I thought little of it, but then the word ‘enthusiasm’ appeared on my contract. I was to take on a more enthusiastic disposition throughout the day. In essence I had to practice being more ’sparked’ up, excited  about life. I found this incredibly hard, and have on occasion ‘faked it to make it’. I have to admit though, that faking it has worked. I don’t actually believe I am the dull, lifeless soul that arrived here ten weeks ago. The cloudy thunderstorm that pours down on me when I am stuck in my eating disorder has cleared and the sunshine has broken through, and I like it. My nickname has now taken hold. Sparkie – the comedy clown is working 9 till 5.
This past week has made me realise that I am in control of how I feel and think at any given moment. I have the power of choice. My eating disorder cannot be bigger than me, therefore I have the ability to reframe my thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts – they may come and go, but it is how I choose to react to them that matters. I am worrying that the sunshine will go and the thunder will return but I was told today that the longer the sun stays out, the further away the clouds will be. We all of course have cloudy days – they are what makes us appreciate the sunny ones more, but I am slowly beginning to accept that I can still find joy in my life whatever the weather. Something that will come in handy when I return to the UK!
“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” Aristotle

6 responses to “Sparkie is working 9 till 5.

  1. Nat says:

    love you flick! keep thoes sunny days coming, and when the sun goes in, a smile and a giggle can make it come out again 🙂 you are in control x

  2. Muriel says:

    What a joy to read Laura. So uplifting to hear how much more positive you sound. Let the sunshine keep coming and enjoy your life ahead x

  3. Sandra White says:

    Congratulations! The sun has got his hat on – I am so happy for you! Just remember that, although you might not be able to see the sun behind the clouds, it is still there, shining as brightly as ever. The clouds are transitory and will pass. The sun will always be there. Sending you so much love, confidence, support and positivity as you make your way back to health. Love and huge hugs Sandra xx

  4. A says:

    Thank you for sharing such a positive post again! I aspire to one day be as strong and motivated and successful as you are in your recovery! I know it’s not easy, but you make it sound wonderfully worth it! X

  5. sue lloyd says:

    Hi Laura,so pleased to read this – you have come such a long way – you must be really proud of yourself – as are we all here at Bury Farm – look forward to seeing you soon 🙂 xxx

  6. linda marchant says:

    Well hello Sparkie!!! You sound so positive, its absolutely fabulous!! Amazing progress Laura, fantastic! Looking forward to your next update xx

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