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Life is 1% what happens and 99% how you react to it.

on October 31, 2012

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” – Louise Erdrich   

Today has been a bit of a funky one. I’m trying to contain my disappointment at not making it to the next level. Going by the timeline of my dad’s business like recovery report, today was the deadline to reach the next milestone. The treatment team, however, felt that I wasn’t quite there. There are few reasons that contributed to their decision. My behaviours around food are still not quite up to scratch, which frustrates me. Some habits die hard and are so etched in my core-being that they’re taking a lot of work to erase. My biggest concern is that I have let my family and friends down. I feel a failure for not reaching the intended deadline – failure being a feeling that I have done my best to avoid all my life. 

My Mum knows me so well. I called her to tell her the news and she said “don’t go into your room and stay upset – go and talk to someone”. I have a tendency to keep things inside, let them fester and then bubble over. I wanted to handle the news differently and deal with the situation in a more adult manner, so I did as I was told. I asked what it was that I needed to do in order to reach the next level. I was reassured that I had made a lot of progress in recent weeks, but that they wanted me to reach the next level on a more “solid and less shaky footing”. So I have a week to pipe up and show that I am deserving of an upgrade. I am going to respect the treatment teams decision and use it as motivation.

Each and everyday here is a learning curve, but something I have taken heed of is how you react to a situation is more important than the situation itself. We all find ourselves in dilemmas, disappointments and strife, but it is how we handle the circumstances that is the real test of strength and courage. We all get knocked down but it is whether we choose to stay down or rise up again that really counts. My mum is my inspiration for this week – she has had her fair share of knocks, but is a fighter and has chosen to get back up numerous times. As I write I am feeling a little lighter. After dinner we had group and I talked about how my feelings today had affected my food. It was pointed out that at dinner I engaged in the exact behaviours, I’m meant to be working on NOT doing. I admitted that I was exhausted and chose my eating disorder, by eating my vegetables first and drifting off onto planet LaLa. Our therapist said that she actually appreciated my honesty by owning up to it and that not defending my choice to engage in my eating rituals was progress in itself. She also told me that a month ago she would of laughed at the suggestion of me being upgraded to the next level, but the difference in me recently makes this a real prospect for next week. Fingers, toes and legs crossed I can do it. I hope to wake up bright, breezy and Sparkie tomorrow and muster all I have to get back on the band-wagon.

“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

 
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4 responses to “Life is 1% what happens and 99% how you react to it.

  1. Muriel says:

    Hi Laura. Just a blip, you can make it. I know from personal experience how hard these setbacks can be, but you can move on from them. Your mum has had more than her fair share of ups and downs, but has come through each one. Talking about it can be so important it is a strength not a weakness. Just keep up the good work you have the strength to do it. Much love x

  2. A says:

    ‘Never a failure, always a lesson.’

    I hope this quote helps you! You’ve come so far, I wish you all the best working towards the next level. You can do it! 🙂

  3. linda marchant says:

    Without having deadlines and goals its so easy to drift through life not really achieving anything. The fact that you have deadlines and are striving to reach them is a huge achievement – and you will get there, sometimes it just takes a little longer than you would like. But I know you will reach that next level, and the one after that. You are a strong and determined woman, like your lovely Mum, and you can do it!!! xxx

  4. Maureen says:

    Lovely Laura
    Your godfather and I have been following your blogs regularly and have kept in touch with your mum about your progress. We are so willing you on to succeed and know you will come through this. Keep persevering and communicating and you will come out the other end an even stronger and more determined person ready to take your rightful place again. All our love, as ever.

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