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A suitcase for your soul.

on November 11, 2012
Today has started off to a good start. I just put the phone down to my mum. I hadn’t spoken to her since Tuesday when I woke her up to tell her the news that I reached level 3. I really miss her, there is nothing quite as comforting as hearing my mums voice. I feel grateful that I have the one I have.
It is a chilly blue sky day today. Autumn or Fall as they call it here is well and truly underway. The leaves have started to drop and change to a burnt amber colour. I am in the middle of a mountain range here and so the seasonal changes are apparent in every corner. Yesterday we went for a walk through a disused film set nearby. The drive there was beautiful. It reminded me of Spain and the steep roads up to the mountains – I have such fond memories of my holidays in Spain with Michael my step-dad. We used to go to a restaurant in the mountains where they had a diving board. I would stand at the edge shouting at Michael to watch me – I wanted his approval and praise so badly. You may remember that in the first few days of being here I planted a melon in the garden and called it ‘Michael the Melon’. Well the other morning I went to check on him and part of him was missing. I was so upset. I wasn’t ready for him to go. In some small way it felt like before. I had no control over his death. I dug him up and he is now buried next to the new succulent garden we are building. It was a reminder that we have very little power over nature, and that includes my body which I have abused and manipulated for 12 years. I am, however, beginning to slowly appreciate it and accept it for what it is – a suitcase for my soul. Over the years I have dealt it many blows, and quite frankly I’m lucky it’s still here, soldiering on. I will strive to take more care of it from now on. Love and respect it, not throw it around with such disregard.
I have been thinking this week about the sort of person I portray to the outside world. A member of staff took me to an appointment on Friday. We were chatting in the car and she started to ask me about myself; what my job involved, what I like to do in my spare time, favorite music and so on. The more I babbled away, the bigger the surprise on her face was. She told me that she had no idea that I liked the sorts of things I do. She said the person I was describing was not the person that I presented to the outside world. I guess at times I keep a lot inside – I shy away from being the centre of attention. I prefer to let others take the lime-light. It was written on my contract this week to share one interesting thing about myself to the group each day because I am seemingly reluctant to talk about myself. I find people who talk about themselves a lot mildly irritating, which is funny as I was talking to my therapist this week about how self-centered I was when I arrived. Everything was ALL about ME. As the days pass I am questioning who I am and who I want surround myself with when I leave. We all have a basic nature given to us from birth, but along the way our environment, the people we meet and our circumstances help to fine-tune it. I have been so fortunate to be blessed with the people I have in my life. The journey that I am on is beginning to excite me. Who is the real me is and where life will take me next? One thing I do know now though, is that I want to cherish my time here from now on and not disregard it as a given.
“It is only with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.”
– Antoine de Sainte-Exupery

One response to “A suitcase for your soul.

  1. Muriel says:

    How I have enjoyed reading this blog. Light and bright and full of hope for the future. Spent few days with your mum and she was so delighted to get your calls.. She is really proud of you Laura. You have worked so hard you must be pleased with yourself. Look forward to next instalment. X

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