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S*** Happens.

on November 22, 2012
My mood has faltered these past 48 hours. Sparkie has come unplugged. I am trying my damnedest to fire him up again. Last week I found a lump on one of my breasts. The doctor referred me to have an ultrasound which showed up a lump. I had a biopsy on Friday and waited all week with bated breath for the results. The good news is that  the lump is not cancerous, the bad news is that it needs removing. The next step is for me to see a surgeon to find out if and when I can get it removed. I am trying to stay present and in the moment, until I know more about what needs to be done. It’s hard for someone who lives with one foot in tomorrow and another in yesterday.
My anxiety surrounding the lump has tested me this week to the max. Majoritively I have done well with challenging myself around the food, but there have been moments when the struggle has gotten the better of me. Our group this morning focused on learning and using new coping skills; ways to get through the tough times without using food as a soother. For the past 12 years I have had the soft cushion of my eating disorder to fall back on when life gets too much to handle. I always had something to control and make me feel better. It clearly hasn’t worked very well or I wouldn’t of ended up here in treatment. The three month itch has also set in. I have never wanted to come home more than I have these last few days. I miss my family, friends and my horses. I miss my independence. When I think about leaving I remind myself that I am here to start my life…I want my old life back, but with the new and improved me living it. One who is not afraid of stepping outside of my comfort zone. Not someone balancing on the pin. I have to remember that when I am given more challenges it is to enable me to live the life that I now believe I deserve.
I was first in treatment when I was 18. I remember my dad coming to a family session where he asked the therapist why I was not eating. The therapist politely said “she is like this because she has used food to cope with things that have happened in her past”. I will never forget my dad’s reply…”s*** happens”. I rant out of the room in tears – angry that my dad could be so flippant. The truth is that he was right. Stuff happens all the time, but I can’t revert back to using my unhealthy coping mechanisms to make me feel better. They didn’t work then and they don’t work now.
This afternoon we went outside and picked up leaves to build a gratitude tree for thanksgiving tomorrow. Each one of us wrote fifteen things that we were grateful for on the tree and watched it grow. It helped take me out of myself. Tomorrow is a big day here and it will be my first thanksgiving. It will be a time to reflect and appreciate all that I have…which when I think about it, is a lot. As much as I want to get on a plane home, I am grateful to be here in this loving and supportive environment where a hug can go a long way. The team here have been great and I have a lot of gratitude for the support I am being given. The best thing I can do is to continue on marching up the path towards recovery.
As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. John F. Kennedy

3 responses to “S*** Happens.

  1. Laura Taylor says:

    Oh Law, what a S**tty thing to happen to you whilst you are so far away. Keep very strong, you are doing amazingly. I am so proud of you fighting your demons. With love & big hugs xxxxx

  2. Muriel says:

    Nothing can be worse than what you have had to face Laura but with your new strength you can get through it. Your mum knows better than any of us what you will have gone through, I know she will be your rock through this. Keep fighting Laura we all have faith in you, it takes a very special person to do what you are doing. Love and hugs x

  3. Nat says:

    Oh sweetie, what a scary thing to go through…so glad it is nothing nasty though. And maybe this is a little test for you… So you are confident you can get through anything now, on your own and the terrorist has now place at all. Thinking of you always and happy thanks giving. Xx

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