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Feeling Alive.

on December 3, 2012
My horse’s feet are as swift as rolling thunder. He carries me away from all my fears. And when the world threatens to fall asunder, his mane is there to wipe away my tears.
– Bonnie Lewis
The flame is ignited again. I am feeling sparked up. Since my dip last week I have done my upmost to beat the blues and embrace each day with a fresh pair of eyes. I let my anxiety get the better of me last week and although it was a tough few days, I believe that it was a lesson well learnt. Life is going to throw me challenges all the time, but I can’t let the dark days affect my food. My meal plan is my meal plan regardless. It’s the one thing that I can get right if I so choose.
I have had a wonderful weekend. The owner of the horses that I go and see each week offered to take me to see an amazing Australian horseman who is here on tour. I have been missing the horses more and more each day, so I was super excited to spend the afternoon with my four-legged friends. The show was amazing – he got the horses to do things that I never thought possible. The relationship he had with them was truly special to watch. I was in ore of the trust that they put in each other, and it reminded me of just why I love them so much. The horse is so graceful, yet so powerful. They give you all they have if you give all to them. I came home beaming from ear to ear. For the first time since I swam in the ocean a few months ago, I felt alive again. The horse does something to me – they feed my soul. 
After a wet afternoon playing ponies, I came home and heated up my chilli that I prepared in the morning and made my cornbread to go with it. Cornbread is a delicious american muffin type mixture and i’m hooked! I came home looking forward to my dinner and feeling OK about saying so. I am enjoying my food much more recently and am allowing myself to say I am. I had a taste of freedom and normality, and it did me the world of good. I realised why I keep on fighting – to have a life. I breathed it in and soaked it up, and I feel as though I am freshly charged. I sometimes wonder when I have a day like yesterday why food is such a big deal. Why do I stress about it so much and why do I spend so much time worrying about the shape of my body? One of the therapists here says “bigger jeans, bigger life!” As I squeezed into my jeans that have become extremely snug, I thought, “you know what. Life can be bigger than the size of these jeans”. Staying thin enough to fit into them, means that my life shrinks.
I went to see the surgeon on Friday – the next step is to have an MRI scan so that he can pin-point the lump. I was a bit frustrated that I didn’t leave with a definitive plan of action, but I just need to go with the flow and not get uptight about not being able to control the outcome. I have been chanting the serenity prayer to myself. I’m feeling anxious about what the scan might find, but in the meantime all I can do is choose to keep my side of the street clean and eat my food, and that I did. We went for a massage this afternoon in what can only be described as the weirdest experience ever. It was like some dodgy back-street parlour – the sort you would find tucked away in a dark alley in Bangkok. It was ironic that the place was called ‘U-Relax’. I felt pretty tense throughout the whole hour procedure. My masseuse – a young chinese man didn’t seem to think that it was inappropriate to rub my backside incessantly! Afterwards we went to Starbucks for our snack. I chose to challenge myself and get a piece of cake that my eating disorder was scared stiff of. I opted for the most calorific thing I could find. (I hate the fact that the calories are written all over everything these days). I wanted to prove to myself that I could eat outside of my food plan and nothing bad would happen to me. I ordered a yummy lemon pound cake. What amazed me this time was that instead of berating myself, I felt a sense of pride and achievement at having it and enjoying it. I then got home and was sprung a surprise. I was told I had to order pizza. I have never ordered a take-out pizza for myself – ever! I was really proud of my response. I had a mini-freakout, but no big deal. I took on the challenge and dealt with it and again actually enjoyed it. The after thoughts were there and the terrorist has been niggling away at me all evening, but today I am able to tell it to F*** off and leave me alone. So while I am on a roll, I chose Rocky Road ice-cream for my snack – a new flavor that I had not tried and it was tasty. I can put my head on my pillow and feel a sense of achievement. My biggest challenge at the moment is to prove to myself and everyone that I can be consistent in my attitude towards food and life. Today I feel proud of myself for allowing my healthy self to show up. There is little point in going through all of this to simply ‘balance on the pin.’ I don’t want this journey to be about living in rigidity. I want real freedom. I want to be able to enjoy social activities with my special friends and family. I don’t want to be the one who misses out on life anymore. 
So the house is all change again. We received some sad news this morning. One of the girls has to leave early. She has only been here two weeks and her insurance has cut the funding. It makes me so angry…do they really think that two weeks is long enough to cure an eating disorder? Mental illness is just so mis-understood AND under-funded. I feel so incredibly lucky to have this opportunity. I am reminded again just how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family and such fab friends. I really do know the sacrifices that have been made to enable me to stay here, and I want you to know I am working hard to make you all proud.  
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as if everything is a miracle. Albert Einstein

One response to “Feeling Alive.

  1. Muriel says:

    Such good news Laura. I felt uplifted reading your blog. I wanted to reach out and give you a big hug. Keep up the good work. X

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