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Festive cheer :-)

on December 27, 2012

What a wonderful Christmas I have had. So different from past ones where I mostly dreaded it – largely wrought with fear at what I would have to eat. Despite missing my family a lot, this year was one to remember. The alarm sang at 6:30am and I sprang into gear. A special breakfast was laid out – the best cinnamon rolls with a colourful fruit salad. Then off for a hike to a beautiful waterfall. On the way up to the waterfall we walked in silence. It was a surreal experience. I noticed so much more around me – my senses were alert. The sounds and smells were heightened so much more by not talking. It was peaceful – I felt peaceful. Then we went back to the house and opened our stockings and pressies, and then out for lunch. I would of normally dreaded lunch – not this time though. We went to the coolest Jewish deli, where I reckon you could eat something different every day of the year. The menu was extensive to say the least. I was amazed that I was able to order what I wanted and let go of the fear at what was coming. I ordered the biggest Belgium waffle with maple syrup and whipped cream, as my dad calls it “going large”! It was awesome. Not a turkey sandwich or sprout in sight! Then off to the movies. We went to see my favourite musical of all time – Les Mis. It was fantastic apart from Russel Crowe who can’t sing for toffee. Today we have had a relaxed day and I have just opened the biggest box of goodies from my sister and brother-in-law. They are amazing. I had the biggest smile on my face. Out of all the many parcels I unwrapped – my favourite was a picture of my two scrummy nephews. I have denied myself the opportunity to have children for the past twelve years. I hope that by continuing to heal my body, I maybe granted the chance in the future.

Despite a having a happy Christmas – this week has been a tough one. Definitely one of the toughest, but I feel as though I have finally turned the corner. Last week I found out that I went over my ‘maintenance’ weight. I totally freaked out and couldn’t think of anything else for two days. I wasted 48 hrs in my life stressing about a number on a scale. I went into a complete spin – the terrorist completely took me over for the first time in a while. I had to dig deep and choose whether I wanted to continue a life that would be an existence – a life balancing on the pin or whether I wanted to let go and live life at full throttle. After some strong words from both myself and my therapist I pulled myself out of the trenches and got back on track. I have screwed my body over for twelve years. I can’t suddenly expect it to ping back and spring into action because I have decided to feed it regularly. I now have to sit tight and hope that if I keep on giving it what it needs, it will settle and sort itself out. It’s a bit like having blind faith in something. I have no proof, I just have to trust.

A couple of new girls have come in the last week. There have been so many changes in the house since I first arrived, but each person has taught me something new. I really do feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to meet some wonderful people. One of the new girls who arrived last week has perhaps taught me the most about myself. She is a young girl in college with all to live for, yet she too has the terrorist attacking her on minute by minute. Her eating disorder is so similar to mine, that it is like looking at a mirror image of myself a few months ago. I feel quite protective over her healthy-self and am doing my best to tease it out. Christmas day was a nightmare for her. While I tucked into my belgium waffle, she ordered the most disordered meal on the menu – a combination of things that she felt safe with. Foods the cult told her was just about OK to eat. Her face as she read the menu was panic-striken. I leant over to her and said “just give yourself a day off and tell it to get lost”. I just wanted her eating disorder to leave her alone for one second – for her to be able to enjoy Christmas day. Having her here has made me realise just how far I have come and reminded me just how far I have to go. I am glad that I have stuck it out to be able to see my progress and to edge that bit nearer to freedom.

This is my last week here. I can’t quite believe it. I will be off in a few days – ready to start the next chapter in my recovery. I am excited but incredibly apprehensive at the same time. The biggest test of my life is on it’s way. I keep asking myself if I will be able to continue along the right path when noone is watching me. I wonder if I am strong enough to tell my eating disorder to f*** off when it begins to nag away at me. Right now I feel as though I am winning the battle. I feel ready to move on and get back to life. I have been here a long time and have learnt a great deal about myself. Every hurdle that has crossed my path in these past five months has taught me something new. It has shown me that I am resilient and that I really do want to recover. Whenever I question whether I want this or not, all I need to do is remind myself, that I never gave up…I kept on fighting. It is time for me to take my bag of tools with me and prove to myself that I can do it. This place has given me hope and inspired me to do the harder thing and that I will.

“I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.’ Muhammad Ali


4 responses to “Festive cheer :-)

  1. Muriel says:

    Well done Laura. Out goes the old Laura from 2012 and in comes the new Laura for 2013. We have all had such faith in you and you haven’t let us or yourself down. You have so much to look forward to in the future. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Happy new year. Love muriel x

  2. Spooks1979 says:

    Happy New Year Laura, I read all of your blog posts and know that you are coming home soon. I hope 2013 is the year you want it to be, it sounds like you have learnt so much during the past months that you now have the tools to live the life you’ve always had hiding inside you.
    Good luck and enjoy it, you deserve to!

  3. acollier1 says:

    Happy new year laura and well done on your positive changes in the past 5 months. This year is going to be so different from previous years for you and it is exciting that you will be returning to start life with a fresh perspective. I am starting this year with a focus on recovery, i have been so inspired by your blog that I have started my own as I have just started a daycare treatment programme and am hoping that like you i can help others understand the journey of recovery and keep myself motivated throughout the tough times.
    I am at..

  4. Lucy says:

    What a brilliant way to start the new year 🙂 You’ve been one of my inspirations in my own battle with anorexia so thank you and I’m so happy that you’re so close to kicking him out for good. They said it wouldn’t be easy which has definitely been proved, so after 12 years of being caged up I hope this year you can finally spread your wings and fly free. Much love xxx

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