Eat your damn food!

So I have been back for two weeks now and it has flown by. Back into the swing of London life where everything and everyone moves at 100mph. I am keeping myself grounded and in the slow lane. I used to rush around like it was my last day on the planet, but I am managing to go slow and take my time. I am now in a day programme – I have been going everyday since I got back, and to be honest I am struggling with the difference in approach. Us Brits have a lot to learn from the yanks in the world of eating disorders. At my treatment centre in America I found inspiration all around. Whether it was from the beautiful scenery that surrounded me, the recovered therapists or the kicks up the backsides I used to get – I was always doing something that was progressing me in my journey towards recovery.

Here I feel stuck in a world of analysis. I have 4 x 4 and half hr sessions everyday and quite frankly it is exhausting. I don’t even know what we talk about half the time! The programme is based heavily on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous which is frustrating at times. In my 12 years of anorexia, I tried every type of treatment model going. I dabbled in the 12 steps looking for the magic wand that would make me better. I never found it to be of any real sustained use to me. Alcohol and drugs are quite different to an eating disorder. For one – I can’t abstain from eating like you can from alcohol and drugs. I have to eat to live. I tried going to Overeaters anonymous and Anorexics and Bullmics anonymous, but I found that I was replacing one set of rules with another. I got sick and tired of hearing people abstaining from white flour and sugar. Hearing that as anorexic who cut out everything other than fruit or veg was not remotely helpful. I can gladly say that today I eat everything. I love a good chocolate bar or packet of crisps – who doesn’t?! Being at this treatment place has made me realise just what little knowledge there is here in this country for eating disorders. How can it be right to apply the 12 steps to an eating disorder where you introduce yourself as anorexic. I refuse to do this… I like to say I am in recovery from anorexia. To say that I am anorexic means that I am nothing other than my disorder which is so far from the truth. I am so much more. I was also tired of hearing people say that they could never fully recover – the message delivered was that you could be ‘in recovery’, but would always live with it sitting on your shoulder. I don’t believe this to be true. I was surrounded by fully recovered people in America – I know it to be different. In America they aim for the long-term goal of being fully recovered. The use of the terms “recovery” and “recovering” are ambiguous. Someone could use either of these terms and be abstinent from all eating disorder behaviors, but another person might say she is in recovery or recovering yet still be underweight, restricting calories or even still binging and purging. For me I want the gold medal – the bronze and silver are not good enough. I am aiming for a life fully recovered, where I am not tempted into relapsing back into the illness.

I met a girl today who has been following my blog since I began writing it. Meeting her and sharing my experience really made me realise how far I have come. I am now in a position to help others – never did I think that would be the case for me. It was so nice to sit and chat and share my story and all that I learnt from my time in America. It has only been since I returned that I have realised just how much I internalised. I found myself quoting the therapists and the nuggets of gold that I was taught; “Do the harder thing, do what makes you feel uncomfortable, practice truth without judgement and don’t be attached to the results.” As long as I hold onto all that I learnt I can’t fail. I have seen it work with my own eyes, so what should be different for me – I am not special and indifferent. We talked about how our eating disorders were an avenue for punishment. It was so refreshing for me to be able to say that I no longer believe that I need to punish myself. I care about myself today. To say this is massive for me. My eating disorder was all about hurting myself and making amends to Michael my step-dad. I believed it would get me attention from my dad and those around me, when in reality it just pushed people away. I was asked today what motivates me and the answer is simple; relationships. I want to have meaningful relationships in my life and they are only possible if I am in recovery. There is little time for anyone else when I am starving myself. As we chatted, I recognised her fragility – the same vulnerability I used to have. It made me sad to think of her hurting herself. Seeing someone visibly thinner than me used to trigger my head into all sorts of dark places, but today it didn’t. Whilst I struggle to adjust to my new body, I never want to go back to how I was. It is a dark dark place full of hopelessness and misery. I will be thinking of my new friend this week as she continues to challenge her eating disorder. You will be in my thoughts.

Apart from the day programme I have been enjoying catching up with friends and family. It is so nice to feel more alive – more grateful for life. I have engaged in many more activities that involve food. Tonight I am going for dinner at a friends. She sent me a message to say that her mum was going to cook a risotto. She asked me if that was OK and if I would mind eating with her family. Whilst it was really kind of her to ask, it made me realise just how rigid I was in my eating disorder. People used to check with me if I was OK to eat something, because I was so controlling around it. I also hated eating with others, now I love eating in company. Food is a social forum and is a gift to share. I replied “risotto sounds yum, yes please!”

This week I will do my utmost to continue to challenge myself in my recovery and to look for the similarities not the differences in treatment. I knew coming back and adjusting to a different approach would be difficult, but I must start the week with a positive step and do as my therapist in America says, “Eat your damn food!”

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” Buddha

It’s a choice, not chance.

I can’t believe it – one more sleep and I will be on that plane home. I am so excited yet bubbling with nerves at the same time. This sunny shoreline has been my safe haven for the past six months and has become a protective bubble for me. I feel such warmth and love here with my Mountain Nest family. I have learnt so much about who I am, I can barely recognise the person that arrived here many moons ago. I was not even alive when I touched down – I had let myself get so dangerously low. When I think back to how I was, I feel so sad I tortured my soul for so long. I can say that I no longer wish to abuse myself anymore. I feel compassion and gratitude towards my body these days. I allow my emotions to be present – all of them and most importantly, I no longer wish to deny myself pleasure.

I went to my last family group on Saturday and I talked about my feelings about coming home. I have quite a few fears running around in my head. The biggy is my appearance. I look different to when I left, I have gained weight of course. I’m still not sure what to make of my new body. It varies from hour to hour. Sometimes I think I look OK – healthier, but then other times I am grossed out by the extra flesh. They say that body image is the last thing to go – the final nail in the coffin. I am particularly nervous about going back to my clothes in London. I expect a lot of them won’t fit me anymore – the temptation to try my jeans on and squeeze into them is huge. My therapist told me that the day I can fit into them, is the day that I need to be back in treatment!

I am nervous that although my body may now be physically well, my head hasn’t quite caught up. I worry that the expectation for me to return ‘cured’ is high. I by no means want this to be an excuse to stay sick, but I need to express that the hard work has only just begun. I have healed my physical self and am now working hard to heal my mental self. It requires a great deal of healthy self vs eating disorder dialogue to shout down the thoughts that still enter my mind. The gift that this place has given me though is the power of choice. I never thought that I had a choice before, but that has been given back to me and as long as I remember that, I always have the opportunity to stay well. I said to my therapist today that I was scared that my eating disorder is still waiting for me – just around the corner. She said that recovery is a choice, not chance – it is so true. I can do this. She believes I can, so I must too.

I am excited to have a future now. I used to walk around the city with a chip on my shoulder, resenting life and the pack of cards that I was dealt. I no longer feel this way. I am grateful for my life. I am thankful that my body has healed and has not been permanently damaged after all the years of abuse I put it through. Life is peachy when you look at it through rose-tinted glasses. I am going to miss this place so so much. The people that I have met on my journey have been remarkable and have helped shape the person that I have grown in to. I was asked the other day what I had learnt in my time here. It’s hard to put into words, there has been so much. Fundamentally I have learnt to express my needs and wants through the language of words and not food. Before I came, I used to think that the only way I could get what I wanted – attention, love, validation, approval, acceptance – was to play around with my food and to show the outside world how much I was suffering. Through my relationships here, I have learnt that my eating disorder only pushes people away – sobbing through half a salad as I was reminded, gets me nowhere. People just don’t want to be around it and I now realise why. The hard part is breaking the habit. Whilst I no longer have the ‘stories’ my eating disorder created to enable me to stay sick, I do have a mother-f***** of a habit to break. After twelve years of controlling my food and manipulating my body, it has been etched into my being. BUT it is possible to get well, as I have said before – I have seen it with my own eyes. The pack of cards is in my hands now.

I have had a lot of farewells to say, the first came yesterday when I said goodbye to my four-legged friends, Bodhi and Oria. From the day I first saw them, when I used to pass them on my cold frosty walks, they have been a source of strength and motivation for me. I have always managed to find my furry friends wherever I have gone and in the past six months I have gotten to know the boys well. It has only been this past month that I could actually ride them and I have got some wonderful memories to take home with me. I have also found a long-life friend in their owner Jill, who has shown me such kindness and generosity. I am forever grateful to her for allowing me to be a part of her world and for trusting me with her boys. I welled up when I had to say goodbye to her, but I know that we will stay in touch and that we will meet again. I had my last session with my therapist today who quite frankly saved my life. She told me that I am a different person – unrecognisable from the walking zombie that arrived. She has taught me so much about the sort of person I want, and can be in this world. She told me she was proud of me and that meant such a lot. I am proud of me and the work that I have done. It has been rocky at times, but I stuck it out and took on board all their advice. I want to thank the team for pushing me, for never giving up on me, and for beating my eating disorder down.

On my morning walk yesterday, I was listening to my ipod on shuffle and Michael Jackson’s ‘Man in the Mirror’ came on. I haven’t listened to it for ages – the words this time as cheesy as they are really struck a chord.

“I’m gonna make a change, for once in my life. It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right. No message could’ve been any clearer. If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make that change.”

I am nervous that as soon as I land on home soil, the voices, the old behaviours will come flooding back in. I am under no doubt that the transition back to my life after being here wrapped up in a cocoon will be challenging, but I hope that I can be brave enough to tell the truth and reach out. I can make the changes if I do the work. I don’t have the luxury of repeating these past six months, and neither do I want to. This was my one shot at a life. I was blessed to of been given this chance by my family. I intend to keep on developing and learning new things about myself. It is only me that can ultimately determine my future. I just hope I have the strength to continue what I have started. So onto the next chapter – thank you all for being a tower of strength for me. I can’t wait to see you all on the other side.

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” Oprah Winfrey