Festive cheer :-)

What a wonderful Christmas I have had. So different from past ones where I mostly dreaded it – largely wrought with fear at what I would have to eat. Despite missing my family a lot, this year was one to remember. The alarm sang at 6:30am and I sprang into gear. A special breakfast was laid out – the best cinnamon rolls with a colourful fruit salad. Then off for a hike to a beautiful waterfall. On the way up to the waterfall we walked in silence. It was a surreal experience. I noticed so much more around me – my senses were alert. The sounds and smells were heightened so much more by not talking. It was peaceful – I felt peaceful. Then we went back to the house and opened our stockings and pressies, and then out for lunch. I would of normally dreaded lunch – not this time though. We went to the coolest Jewish deli, where I reckon you could eat something different every day of the year. The menu was extensive to say the least. I was amazed that I was able to order what I wanted and let go of the fear at what was coming. I ordered the biggest Belgium waffle with maple syrup and whipped cream, as my dad calls it “going large”! It was awesome. Not a turkey sandwich or sprout in sight! Then off to the movies. We went to see my favourite musical of all time – Les Mis. It was fantastic apart from Russel Crowe who can’t sing for toffee. Today we have had a relaxed day and I have just opened the biggest box of goodies from my sister and brother-in-law. They are amazing. I had the biggest smile on my face. Out of all the many parcels I unwrapped – my favourite was a picture of my two scrummy nephews. I have denied myself the opportunity to have children for the past twelve years. I hope that by continuing to heal my body, I maybe granted the chance in the future.

Despite a having a happy Christmas – this week has been a tough one. Definitely one of the toughest, but I feel as though I have finally turned the corner. Last week I found out that I went over my ‘maintenance’ weight. I totally freaked out and couldn’t think of anything else for two days. I wasted 48 hrs in my life stressing about a number on a scale. I went into a complete spin – the terrorist completely took me over for the first time in a while. I had to dig deep and choose whether I wanted to continue a life that would be an existence – a life balancing on the pin or whether I wanted to let go and live life at full throttle. After some strong words from both myself and my therapist I pulled myself out of the trenches and got back on track. I have screwed my body over for twelve years. I can’t suddenly expect it to ping back and spring into action because I have decided to feed it regularly. I now have to sit tight and hope that if I keep on giving it what it needs, it will settle and sort itself out. It’s a bit like having blind faith in something. I have no proof, I just have to trust.

A couple of new girls have come in the last week. There have been so many changes in the house since I first arrived, but each person has taught me something new. I really do feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to meet some wonderful people. One of the new girls who arrived last week has perhaps taught me the most about myself. She is a young girl in college with all to live for, yet she too has the terrorist attacking her on minute by minute. Her eating disorder is so similar to mine, that it is like looking at a mirror image of myself a few months ago. I feel quite protective over her healthy-self and am doing my best to tease it out. Christmas day was a nightmare for her. While I tucked into my belgium waffle, she ordered the most disordered meal on the menu – a combination of things that she felt safe with. Foods the cult told her was just about OK to eat. Her face as she read the menu was panic-striken. I leant over to her and said “just give yourself a day off and tell it to get lost”. I just wanted her eating disorder to leave her alone for one second – for her to be able to enjoy Christmas day. Having her here has made me realise just how far I have come and reminded me just how far I have to go. I am glad that I have stuck it out to be able to see my progress and to edge that bit nearer to freedom.

This is my last week here. I can’t quite believe it. I will be off in a few days – ready to start the next chapter in my recovery. I am excited but incredibly apprehensive at the same time. The biggest test of my life is on it’s way. I keep asking myself if I will be able to continue along the right path when noone is watching me. I wonder if I am strong enough to tell my eating disorder to f*** off when it begins to nag away at me. Right now I feel as though I am winning the battle. I feel ready to move on and get back to life. I have been here a long time and have learnt a great deal about myself. Every hurdle that has crossed my path in these past five months has taught me something new. It has shown me that I am resilient and that I really do want to recover. Whenever I question whether I want this or not, all I need to do is remind myself, that I never gave up…I kept on fighting. It is time for me to take my bag of tools with me and prove to myself that I can do it. This place has given me hope and inspired me to do the harder thing and that I will.

“I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.’ Muhammad Ali

Level 4

So I made it to level 4. Never in a billion light years did I think would, and quite frankly I was told by all the therapists here that they never thought I would make it either.  I have made it to the final level and I am super proud of myself. It has taken four months of hard work, but I have done it. Every minute of every day has counted, but now I can hold my head up and own the progress that I have made. I actually laugh at how far I have come. I was told today that it was a life or death situation when I arrived – I was pretty poorly, but I have been given the chance here to get my life back. I have been shown a different way to live and I am just forever thankful that I chose to stick it out. In the four months that I have been here I have seen a fair few people pass through these doors. For some their time was cut short for insurance reasons, but others got frightened, found it too hard and left when the going got tough. I have at times felt frustrated that people don’t stay when they have the opportunity, but I realise that during my 12 years of being ill, I don’t think that I would have been ready for this before now. Everyone’s journey is different, and as frustrating as it has been, I can’t control anyone’s path or recovery. I am only capable of choosing my own tracks. It is amazing that the power of choice has the ability to completely change your perspective on life. Really there is no greater joy than life itself. I have been reading a wonderful book – it explains that we really do only have one choice in this life. Not who you want to marry, not your career, not where you live. It is much simpler than that. It is about whether you choose happiness. Once that decision has been made then life seems to flow much more freely. You are no longer fighting the current, you bob along at ease. You might think that if your circumstances were different you would be happy… if you had a new car, a bigger house, a partner. Wherever you are in your life, there will always be someone you think is better off than you, but if you decide to be happy and live your life with that choice then there really can be no one richer than you. Throughout your life a billion things could happen. Like I have mentioned before s*** happens, the question I keep asking myself is whether I want to be happy regardless. The following passage explains it beautifully. “The fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. Events don’t determine whether or not you’re going to be happy. They are just events. You determine whether or not you are going to be happy. You can be happy to just be alive. You can be happy having all these things happen to you, and then be happy to die. If you can live this way, your heart will be so open and your spirit will be so free, that you will soar up to the heavens.”

This week I learned a valuable lesson. I had a bit of an upset with a member of staff that taught me a lot about myself. To cut a long story short, I second questioned something that I was told to do. I have no idea really why I felt the need to double check with another member of staff. I think that it was my eating disorder asking for reassurance even though I already knew the answer. She was obviously displeased with me and told me how she felt. Without going into the minutiae, I learned that when I perceive I am being told off I regress into a child. I retreat into my shell and apologise profusely, to try and smooth things over. I hate confrontation and upset. After saying sorry a billion times I went to bed thinking I had let it go, but woke up feeling hurt by the way that I was spoken to. I appreciated that my behaviour was not cool, but I needed to express MY feelings, so I grew myself back up and said how I felt in a confident and graceful manner. The conversation went well and I learned that two experiences can exist simultaneously, and that is OK. Two people can have different points of view and both be valid. I have now been able to let it go and move on. A few months ago I would have never recognised my mistake, and I would have stayed in my child self feeling hurt and resentful. My work from now on is to say how I feel in the moment, and not to let disharmony sit and fester inside me.

The weeks are going by so quickly here that I can almost see the end in sight. It has been a long journey that has at times felt impossible to conquer. When I mean the end, I mean the end of this chapter. My real work is only just beginning. This place resembles being in a womb, where I am now preparing to enter the world nourished and loved. I will leave here equipped with a toolbox of tricks that I must utilise in order to breathe. I really believe this to be true. My eating disorder – anyone’s eating disorder is at it’s worst life or death.

This weekend has been full of achievements and corrections. A couple of weeks ago when I was highly anxious about my lump, I had an unsuccessful trip to McDonalds where I let my eating disorder get the better of me and order a safe option for my dessert – this week I was taken there to have a “corrective experience”. It was quite a novelty as we went through the drive-thru. I don’t remember ever doing this, but it felt good to have the freedom to be able to grab something on the go. I know my dad would be proud. He thinks the day I “go large” in McDonalds is the day I’m cured! The second corrective experience was with fried chicken. Last week I made fish and chips, but mis-read the cooking instructions that told me to fry my fish in oil. Instead I used the spray oil and then had a small freak out when I was told to use a glug of cooking oil, so last night I went all out and made fried chicken and chips. As disgusted as my eating disorder was, it did taste good, and I made it according to the instructions and felt OK about doing it. Each week that passes is a measure of just how far I have progressed. It has been a grey drizzly day here, so this afternoon I took myself to the cinema. It was the first time I have ever been to the movies on my own, but I really enjoyed it. It’s not as if you speak to anyone while you watch a film anyway!

Today was also the final challenge of the week. I had to buy my snack out and eat dinner in a restaurant on my own. The dinner was the hardest part. The portion sizes still send shivers down my spine, but after being here for 4 months I feel as though I have a good enough idea of what a healthy amount is. I did well. My eating disorder was shouting loudly all day, but I knew that I wanted to be able to come home and have a clear conscience, so I ate according to the guidelines given to me. I had a good day. I even got to visit the horses before the cinema. I also skyped my younger sister and one of my best friends this morning, which helped me to keep strong and keep focused when I saw myself in the many full length mirrors I passed today. My relationships are just too important to me to jeopardise them by playing around with my food. I know that in the future I need to remind myself of the stakes – I have a more to gain from being well than from staying sick. This week has definitely been the most challenging food-wise since I arrived. I have most certainly not been ‘balancing on the pin’ and whilst it has felt uncomfortable, I have done it and I feel proud. I never thought that I would be able to do what I have this week and I am pretty sure noone here thought I would either.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here. The tree is up all sparkly, and the stockings are hanging over the fireplace. It feels strange to be so far away from home without any friends or family, but strangely enough I feel as though I have an adoptive family of sorts right here. The staff are lovely and so are the other girls, and I am actually looking forward to the holidays. This year will be different for all sorts of reasons. It will be the first Christmas where I will sit down to eat a proper dinner without spending a week starving myself in preparation and then another week after to compensate for every morsel that passed my lips. I want to be present, to participate, to laugh and be merry. I will not engage in planet la la. I will be a contributor to each day, I will feel gratitude for making it this far and for being given the opportunity to live again.

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is a beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realise it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is life, fight for it.”
Mother Teresa.

Feeling Alive.

My horse’s feet are as swift as rolling thunder. He carries me away from all my fears. And when the world threatens to fall asunder, his mane is there to wipe away my tears.
– Bonnie Lewis

 

The flame is ignited again. I am feeling sparked up. Since my dip last week I have done my upmost to beat the blues and embrace each day with a fresh pair of eyes. I let my anxiety get the better of me last week and although it was a tough few days, I believe that it was a lesson well learnt. Life is going to throw me challenges all the time, but I can’t let the dark days affect my food. My meal plan is my meal plan regardless. It’s the one thing that I can get right if I so choose.

 

I have had a wonderful weekend. The owner of the horses that I go and see each week offered to take me to see an amazing Australian horseman who is here on tour. I have been missing the horses more and more each day, so I was super excited to spend the afternoon with my four-legged friends. The show was amazing – he got the horses to do things that I never thought possible. The relationship he had with them was truly special to watch. I was in ore of the trust that they put in each other, and it reminded me of just why I love them so much. The horse is so graceful, yet so powerful. They give you all they have if you give all to them. I came home beaming from ear to ear. For the first time since I swam in the ocean a few months ago, I felt alive again. The horse does something to me – they feed my soul. 

 

After a wet afternoon playing ponies, I came home and heated up my chilli that I prepared in the morning and made my cornbread to go with it. Cornbread is a delicious american muffin type mixture and i’m hooked! I came home looking forward to my dinner and feeling OK about saying so. I am enjoying my food much more recently and am allowing myself to say I am. I had a taste of freedom and normality, and it did me the world of good. I realised why I keep on fighting – to have a life. I breathed it in and soaked it up, and I feel as though I am freshly charged. I sometimes wonder when I have a day like yesterday why food is such a big deal. Why do I stress about it so much and why do I spend so much time worrying about the shape of my body? One of the therapists here says “bigger jeans, bigger life!” As I squeezed into my jeans that have become extremely snug, I thought, “you know what. Life can be bigger than the size of these jeans”. Staying thin enough to fit into them, means that my life shrinks.

 

I went to see the surgeon on Friday – the next step is to have an MRI scan so that he can pin-point the lump. I was a bit frustrated that I didn’t leave with a definitive plan of action, but I just need to go with the flow and not get uptight about not being able to control the outcome. I have been chanting the serenity prayer to myself. I’m feeling anxious about what the scan might find, but in the meantime all I can do is choose to keep my side of the street clean and eat my food, and that I did. We went for a massage this afternoon in what can only be described as the weirdest experience ever. It was like some dodgy back-street parlour – the sort you would find tucked away in a dark alley in Bangkok. It was ironic that the place was called ‘U-Relax’. I felt pretty tense throughout the whole hour procedure. My masseuse – a young chinese man didn’t seem to think that it was inappropriate to rub my backside incessantly! Afterwards we went to Starbucks for our snack. I chose to challenge myself and get a piece of cake that my eating disorder was scared stiff of. I opted for the most calorific thing I could find. (I hate the fact that the calories are written all over everything these days). I wanted to prove to myself that I could eat outside of my food plan and nothing bad would happen to me. I ordered a yummy lemon pound cake. What amazed me this time was that instead of berating myself, I felt a sense of pride and achievement at having it and enjoying it. I then got home and was sprung a surprise. I was told I had to order pizza. I have never ordered a take-out pizza for myself – ever! I was really proud of my response. I had a mini-freakout, but no big deal. I took on the challenge and dealt with it and again actually enjoyed it. The after thoughts were there and the terrorist has been niggling away at me all evening, but today I am able to tell it to F*** off and leave me alone. So while I am on a roll, I chose Rocky Road ice-cream for my snack – a new flavor that I had not tried and it was tasty. I can put my head on my pillow and feel a sense of achievement. My biggest challenge at the moment is to prove to myself and everyone that I can be consistent in my attitude towards food and life. Today I feel proud of myself for allowing my healthy self to show up. There is little point in going through all of this to simply ‘balance on the pin.’ I don’t want this journey to be about living in rigidity. I want real freedom. I want to be able to enjoy social activities with my special friends and family. I don’t want to be the one who misses out on life anymore. 

 

So the house is all change again. We received some sad news this morning. One of the girls has to leave early. She has only been here two weeks and her insurance has cut the funding. It makes me so angry…do they really think that two weeks is long enough to cure an eating disorder? Mental illness is just so mis-understood AND under-funded. I feel so incredibly lucky to have this opportunity. I am reminded again just how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family and such fab friends. I really do know the sacrifices that have been made to enable me to stay here, and I want you to know I am working hard to make you all proud.  

 

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as if everything is a miracle. Albert Einstein